Kanye West – Yeezus

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1. I WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO WRITE MY REVIEW IN NORMAL SIZED FONT, BUT I REALIZED YOU CAN’T REALLY CONVEY THE SHEER GRANDIOSITY THAT IS YEEZUS WITHOUT GOING ALL CAPS. YOLO, NAMSAYIN?

2. I MEAN, EVEN THE TITLE WRITTEN ON THE “ALBUM COVER” IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS. AND YES, ALBUM COVER WAS WRITTEN IN QUOTATION MARKS BECAUSE DAFUQ IS GOING ON WITH THIS ALBUM COVER?

3. LIKE EVERY OTHER KANYE WEST ALBUM, THIS ALBUM WILL BE POLARIZING BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN BE DIVIDED INTO THREE CAMPS WHEN IT COMES TO KANYE WEST: A) PEOPLE WHO HATE KANYE WEST B) PEOPLE WHO HATE KANYE WEST BUT LIKE HIS MUSIC C) PEOPLE WHO HATE KANYE WEST AND HATE HIS MUSIC. YOU MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE “HEY MAN, AREN’T A AND C REDUNDANT?” I’M FUCKING YOLO-ING IT OVER HERE, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

4. I’M ABOUT TO COVER WHAT 75% OF THE PEOPLE FROM GROUPS A AND C WILL SAY REGARDING YEEZUS BECAUSE THEY SAY IT ABOUT EVERY OTHER KANYE WEST ALBUM: THE LYRICS SUCK. HOLY SHIT, WE MUST WARN OTHER PEOPLE IN CASE THEY THOUGHT KANYE WEST WAS FINALLY GOING TO BRING HIS LYRICAL A-GAME.

5. I’M ABOUT TO COVER WHAT ANOTHER 50% OF THE PEOPLE FROM GROUPS A AND C WILL SAY REGARDING YEEZUS: THE BEATS ARE WEIRD. WELL, ACTUALLY, THIS IS PROBABLY SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD WARN OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT. YOU MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE “HEY MAN, THAT’S 125% OF PEOPLE. THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.” I’M FUCKING YOLO-ING IT OVER HERE, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

6. THIS ALBUM HAS 0 SUBTLETY. ACTUALLY, IF YOU WERE SO INCLINED TO MAKE A CHART WHERE THE Y-AXIS IS LABELED ‘SUBTLETY’ AND THE X-AXIS HAS SIX POINTS, ONE FOR EACH ALBUM IN KANYE WEST’S DISCOGRAPHY, PLOTTED CHRONOLOGICALLY BY RELEASE DATE, IT WOULD BE A STRAIGHT DIAGONAL LINE FROM 30% AT THE COLLEGE DROPOUT TO 0 WHEN YOU REACH YEEZUS. I ALMOST SHAT MY PANTS WHEN HE BASICALLY ANNOUNCED HE WAS GOING TO SWITCH THE BEAT ON “ON SIGHT” AND THEN SWITCHED IT RIGHT AFTER.

7. I MEAN, AS IF IT WERE WRITTEN IN RESPONSE TO THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE SWOONING OVER THE “BLASPHEMOUS” ALBUM TITLE, HE WRITES A SONG CALLED “I AM A GOD,” THAT FEATURES GOD, WHERE HE DETAILS ABOUT HOW HE’S GOD, ‘I JUST TALKED TO JESUS / HE SAID, ‘WHAT UP, YEEZUS?’” REMEMBER THOSE HIGH PITCHED SCREAMS THAT CLOSED “OTIS” AND HOW THEY SEEMED KIND OF UNNECESSARY? WELL, “I AM A GOD” STRETCHES THEM OUT AND MAKES THEM SEEM COMPLETELY NECESSARY.

8. ALSO, THERE ARE QUITE A FEW REFERENCES TO PREVIOUS KANYE SONGS, INCLUDING “HURRY UP WITH MY DAMN CROISSANTS” AN OBVIOUS REFERENCE TO KANYE BEING IN PARIS AND ORDERING CROISSANTS. YOU COULD, I SUPPOSE, ORDER CROISSANTS AT TIM HORTONS BUT YOU GOTTA ASK THEM TO WARM IT UP FOR YOU AND BUTTER THE SIDES OR ELSE YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE EATING NORMAL BREAD.

9. THIS ALBUM DROPS MORE ONE-LINERS THAN THAT ONE ASSHOLE FRIEND OF YOURS WHO HAS THE ENTIRETY OF ANCHORMAN ANDSUPERBAD MEMORIZED AND DROPS THEM IN CASUAL CONVERSATION, OFTEN TO THE IMPRESSMENT OF NEARBY LADIES AND TO THE ANNOYANCE OF YOU. 60% OF THE TIME, THESE LINES WORK EVERY TIME. I ALMOST BLEW A LOAD INTO MY BELLY BUTTON. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

10. THE BEST EXAMPLES ARE BASICALLY ALL ON “I’M IN IT.” SUCH LINES INCLUDE “YOUR TITTIES, LET ‘EM OUT, FREE AT LAST / THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, THEY FREE AT LAST,” “EATING ASIAN PUSSY, ALL I NEED WAS SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE,” “PUT MY FIST IN HER LIKE A CIVIL RIGHTS SIGN,” “SHE CAME LIKE ‘AAHHHHHH!’” AND “I BE SPEAKING SWAGHILI.”

11. I’M REALLY GLAD HE PROMOTES BOTH THE BLACKBERRY AND THE IPHONE IN THE OPENING FOUR LINES OF “I’M IN IT.” I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH PRODUCT PLACEMENT OF COMPETING COMPANIES WITHIN SECONDS OF EACH OTHER.

12. BON IVER’S VOICE ACTUALLY WORKS PERFECTLY ON “I’M IN IT,” BECAUSE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE’S IN ULTRA FALSETTO MODE, IT JUXTAPOSES WITH KANYE WEST’S VOICE AND IT’S ON A SLEAZY SEX TRACK INSTEAD OF BEING ALL EMO AND BEARDED.

13. WITHOUT THAT SYNTH LINE, “GUILT TRIP” WOULD EASILY BE ONE OF THE LEAST MEMORABLE TRACKS ON THE ALBUM. IT’S BASICALLY ONE VERSE SANDWICHED BETWEEN 5 HOOKS ON EITHER SIDE, DELIVERED BY DIFFERENT PEOPLE, AND THEN THE STRING OUTRO FROM “BITCH DON’T KILL MY VIBE” USED AS AN OUTRO OVER BEATS.

14. IN A YEAR FROM NOW, SIMILAR TO THE WAY AUTOTUNE BLEW UP AFTER 808S & HEARTBREAK AND LONGER-THAN-YOUR-AVERAGE HIP-HOP TRACKS STARTED CROPPING UP AFTER MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FANTASY, DARK AND INDUSTRIAL BEATS WILL BE ALL OVER THE PLACE.  MORE HILARIOUS THAN THE LYRICS ON THIS ALBUM IS THE FACT THAT EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER KANYE WEST AS THE MAN WHO BROUGHT IT TO THEM AND DEATH GRIPS WILL NEED TO THROW MORE PENISES IN THEIR ALBUM COVERS TO GET ATTENTION. AND MAKE NO MISTAKE; SOME OF (BUT NOT ALL) THESE BEATS ARE INDUSTRIALLY INFLUENCED (I MEAN, LISTEN TO “SEND IT UP” AND TELL ME YOU DON’T SEE IT). BUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KANYE WEST AND DEATH GRIPS IS THAT KANYE WEST IS HARVESTING THESE BEATS AND STILL GIVING THE MAINSTREAM SOMETHING ACCESSIBLE BY DAY’S END.

15. I SWEAR, YOU KIND OF WANT TO GO AND DO SQUATS IN FRONT OF A TV SCREEN PLAYING DIE HARD AFTER THE STOMP OF “BLACK SKINHEAD.” THERE IS NOTHING MANLIER THAN SQUATTING WHILE WATCHING DIE HARD.

16. WHEN A SAMPLE OF NINA SIMONE’S “STRANGE FRUIT” DROPS ON “BLOOD ON THE LEAVES,” I’M REMINDED OF KANYE WEST’S EARLY DAYS (HE SAMPLED NINA SIMONE’S “SINNERMAN” OVER A DECADE AGO).

17. CLOSER “BOUND 2,” ESPECIALLY THE HUGE BACKING VOCALS WHEN CHARLIE WILSON DELIVERS THE HOOK, IS THE CLOSEST KANYE WEST HAS EVER COME TO THE COLLEGE DROPOUT/LATE REGISTRATION SINCE THE COLLEGE DROPOUT/LATE REGISTRATION.

18. THE PEOPLE WHO DOUBT KANYE WEST’S ABILITY AS A PRODUCER SHOULD LISTEN TO THE BACKING VOCALS UNDERNEATH CHARLIE WILSON’S HOOK, ESPECIALLY IN ITS LAST INSTANCE.

19. ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT I CAN TYPE SOMETHING OUT LIKE “KANYEEEEEEEE!!!!!” AND THE COMPUTER WON’T GIVE ME THAT SQUIGGLY RED LINE UNDERNEATH IT BECAUSE IT THINKS ITS AN ACRONYM. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU MIGHT POINT OUT THAT ONE OF THE WORST THINGS ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT THERE’S NO SPELLCHECK CAPABILITIES. I’M FUCKING YOLO-ING IT OVER HERE, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT–.

20. UH HUH, HONEY.

A-

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