1. Earl Sweatshirt has released his first studio album. This album is titled Doris, named after his recently departed grandmother.
2. This is the first non-single release he has given us since a mixtape back in 2010. That album was titled EARL, named after himself.
3. His disappearance in the interim is testament to the fact that even the hardest of motherfuckers—or rather, people who act hard but have probably never fucked any mothers—have no power against their own mothers, who listened to a line like “I put the ass in assassin” and decided that her son needed better education. Because that line made as much as sense as the best line from Anchorman. You know the one.
4. Upon returning, Earl Sweatshirt gave Frank Ocean a 5-star verse on Channel Orange, made people wonder “Who is Captain Murphy?” when he killed it on “Between Friends,” and gave people a reason to listen to 10 minutes of Odd Future members try their hardest to rap over a boring beat on “Oldie” just to hear a couplet like “Supernova, I’m rollin’ over the novices / And roamin’ through the forest and spittin’ cold as his porridge is.” He also featured on Domo Genesis’ album, but no one knew that because by 2012 everyone realized there are only two people on Odd Future worth caring about, neither of which are named Domo Genesis.
5. Before Doris’ release, Earl Sweatshirt, following Tyler, the Creator’s lead, noted that he no longer wanted to rap about raping bitches. Somewhere in America, a twelve year-old pimpled would-be rapist threw out his Odd Future posters in a fit of rage as a result. Elsewhere in America, critics who were tired of the subject matter after Eminem shocked the world in 2000 eagerly anticipated Earl Sweatshirt’s new album so that they could give it a positive score.
6. In that same year, Earl Sweatshirt released the autobiographical “Chum” as a single to his new album, in which he details his father leaving and why he befriended Tyler, the Creator in the first place. This is good, because all of us wondered why someone so talented would want to hang out with Tyler, the Creator. While doing so, he demonstrates his prodigious prowess by shoving literary devices and internal rhymes in his verses up the wazoo. Reactions to “Chum” were on the lower end of positive, maybe because Earl Sweatshirt’s hook was ridiculously boring or maybe because Earl Sweatshirt added an annoying buzz in the beat that does little more than give it a lo-fi appeal. In response, Earl Sweatshirt throws a beat switch at the end of the track on the album version, hoping that that would make it better. It does not.
7. Earlier this year, Earl Sweatshirt released another single, titled “Whoa,” produced by and featuring Tyler, the Creator. Nobody knows if the rapping on that track was good or not because Tyler, the Creator makes damn sure to show us how much his piano playing has improved since 2009 and interjects an annoying vocal sample every time the track tries to get good.
8. Earl Sweatshirt and other Odd Future affiliates enjoy smoking weed. When they are not smoking weed, they enjoy smoking marijuana and cannabis, blissfully unaware that these are different names of the same product. Frank Ocean differentiates himself further from his peers because he understands that excessive amounts of weed smoking leads to him become “Sleepy, OCD and paranoid.” My immense respect for Frank Ocean grows more immense.
9. Elsewhere, on “Sasquatch,” Tyler, the Creator tells us that he “soared to Taco Bell and [he] ordered some gorditas (Mmm, that’s good!) / Wanted four more, ordered ’em, didn’t eat ’em.” He spends many a night sitting awake on his bed, wondering why people do not take him seriously.
10. On the same verse, he forgets to add an “a” in the line “Watch a nigga smile like _ five-year-old child.” The omission both reads and sounds awkward in regard to the flow.
11. Frank Ocean devotes an entire verse to sodomizing Chris Brown. This is ironic because Chris Brown is a massive homophobe who probably does not enjoy being sodomized. Frankly, Ocean has one of the best verses on the album as a result.
12. Earl Sweatshirt decides to mostly produce his debut album by himself. Unfortunately, his beats sound like second-rate versions of Tyler, the Creator beats, which already sound like second-rate versions of other peoples’ beats. Aware of this fact, Earl Sweatshirt hides under the pen name, “Randomblackdude.”
13. The beat on “Sunday” stands out because of the guitar that appears part-way through the track. I suspect that that is co-producer Frank Ocean’s doing.
14. The beat on “Hives” stands out because of the male vocals that inject the album with much needed melody. I suspect that that is co-producer Matt Martian’s doing. Unfortunately, it is the longest track on the album.
15. The only track where Earl Sweatshirt does not enlist the help of a co-producer and lasts over 2 minutes in length is “Guild.” As a result, the track fails to do anything other than curing insomnia.
16. Upon failing to become a movie star, RZA decides to lend a hand to Earl Sweatshirt by producing and featuring on “Molasses.” Perhaps he should just retire from pop culture altogether.
17. The Neptunes produce “Burgundy.” Over the course of this song, Earl Sweatshirt talks about his depression brought on by his grandmother’s passing, fame and the uncertainty of the future. As a result of both the mature lyrical content and a beat that sounds like it was done on more than a MacBook, it is an easy album standout.
18. If you are wondering why this review reads so mechanically, it is because that is what Earl Sweatshirt sounds like on Doris.